Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
