Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
