i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
