I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
