fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
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Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
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I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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