he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
