I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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