Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
