I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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