Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
