why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
stop calling my apartment porn island.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
