he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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