so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
