im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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