No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
