my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
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I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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