After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
