I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
