Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
