I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
