I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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