the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just pee around me
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
