Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
