I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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