the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
