you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
