the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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