I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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