Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
