Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
