She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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