Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
