Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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