I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
