If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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