My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
