My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I smell stomach acid.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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