just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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