y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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