so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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