That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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