My liver just broke up with me...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
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So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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