Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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