The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
