my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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