I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
