definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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