He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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