They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
