Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
